14 May 2009,
why i deserve this

I stand alone on this path to no where Looking every which way for help People see me for something I'm not When I ask them for directions They don't understand So they turn their backs and walk away I try to follow them but can't catch up. So I then give up, And all hope is totally lost. I sit, empty minded for as long as I can And soon I can't take it anymore. I feel as though I don't belong And I constantly think about if dying would be best But..... In that very same moment I change my mind. The figure came up and held out it's hands, Telling me it cares and that I'm not alone.I stared at it as I stand up strongly and give it a nod. It simply nods back And together We walk away side by side Watching each others backs Through the long path in nowhere together until We reach Some where and suddenly it change its like a dream that your sleeping from a sweet dream it changed to nightmare. deep feelings towards this problems leave me behind alone i felt left out really really left out am i not your friend anymore? i don't know who to share this with.it seems like everything is falling apart, everything is fading away. if you couldn't see it, i think its time for you to open your eyes. i don't know why i feel so left out when I'm with all 3 of you it seems like i don't belongs to you anymore. my fairytale friends, things change, you're not the one who i use to know. you are not the only one who have problems. i do have my own problems but what i do is hide it from everyone. when its time for me to tell you the problems i do share it with all of you. you can don't like me anymore but all of you are my true fairytale friends i don't want to keep it all alone. i want us all to share it. also to be like how we use to. i don't want to end our friendship.secrets, i don't keep it from my friends. you use to share all of your problems but now, not anymore. you're close to both of them and i feel so so so left out. I'm not jealous but I'm all alone when the 3 of you started to laugh and having fun. yes, she is close to all of us but she was not the one who is at fault. I'd told her the problem yesterday due she wasn't in school and i felt so left out. she try to calm me down. i listen to her advice to follow with the flow hoping things can change. i tried to be normal today. as hyper as i can be, trying so hard to forget the problems between my mind and feelings. eventually, things was fine at first but after all it changed at the end. my heart really pulls my feelings down i have nothing to say but just to keep quiet. I'm sorry if you think that I'm over reacting but truly i feel alone when I'm with you. i don't know why faith bring me problem after problems I'm not strong enough to face all my problems anymore. sometimes i feel like giving up hopes and life. but what do i get after that?! you always post about them both see how you easily leave me behind. i don't feel like I'm ever your friend. its just sad. i know I'm not as clever as you i know that I'm dump.
Does the fear of loneliness cause me to be with a person who hurts me Does the fear of loneliness cause me to care for a person who only deceives me Does this phobia cause me to dwell in the past, making it so hard to move on Does this phobia cause me to depend on someone,Only to find out that that someone is independent In reality, now I can't depend on anyone else, neither myself In my state of loneliness, everyone else is paired Am I the only one who suffers by themselves?So should I be content with one who doesn't make me happy Should I be content with another who creates sadness?For if am alone, there is the possibility of emptiness in my heart If I am alone, I see the impossibility of ever smiling i am afraid of being alone
I looked up. I saw a shooting star, I saw a shooting star in the dark sky.
I made a wish, I made a wish to be with you.
I looked down. I saw a penny, I saw a penny on the gravel. I made a wish, I made a wish to be with you. I looked to the right. I saw birthday candles, I saw birthday candles on a lavender cake. I made a wish, I made a wish to be with you. I looked to the left. I saw a dandelion, I saw a dandelion on the lawn. I made a wish, I made a wish to be with you. I look straight ahead. I see you, I see you right here in front of me. I made a wish, I made a wish and it came true.
I love you and here am to stay, that is what you always stay. Kiss me and I can barely breath. Sending bolts into my knees, Distance draws us far apart, Passion still bleeding in my heart, Love divine and oh so true. Hoping that you feel it too. I dreamt about you twice last night, Standing there and holding you tight. Keeping you hands on my waist, I still remember how you taste, I love you I need you that's what you say. The snow starts falling and the sky turns grey. I laugh and kiss you and say how could I leave. The only place I want you is right next to me, Then suddenly you gone and I start to cry, Waking up with tears in my eyes. Rolling over to kiss you face,But your not there and my heart starts to race, Right now I need you more then most, To hear you breath, to kiss your nose, Just to lay there watching you dream, But your not hear I just want to scream,I sit there now not able to sleep, My hands are shaking and I start to weep. I can still see you there, snow falling in your face, Watching the sky turn from blue to grey. I think about it for awhile longer, Wishing I could be much stronger. That beautiful dream turned into a nightmare, Most of it was fuzzy but you face was so clear, And suddenly it hits me. Like a car going sixty. I sit there and smile for the longest time. Dreams aren't real and I know your mine.